Tipping the scale

Nonchalantly one night I decided to weigh myself.  I know I was teetering near a scary number for me, but I did it anyways.  Well, when I stepped on the scale and tears came to my eyes.  It’s that hideous horrible terrible no good number that I said I wasn’t going to go back too.  I didn’t expect it honestly.  I thought I’d just stay the same as it has been lately, well that was the hope anyways.  Obviously I’d like to lose weight, but I’m not trying therefore I knew there would be no weight loss, but it still hurt to see that number on the scale.

My highest weight was 249 pounds and on my own I lost weight and made it down to 219 pounds by exercising.  Then I joined SlimGenics and ended up losing a lot of weight.  My initial goal they set for me was to hit 170 pounds, I thought they were INSANE….  There was NO way I could lose 50 pounds in five months.  Are you freaking kidding me?  They guaranteed results if you followed the program.  So, since I had already signed the contract not really knowing what I was getting into, I reluctantly agreed that would be my goal.  Fast forward seven months and I had lost even more than my original goal.  I lost 66 pounds making it to 153 pounds.  I was so proud of myself.

For the life of me cannot figure where my motivation and dedication came from.  I just did it and that was that.  Well quickly my weight started increasing.  They told me it would a little bit now that I was going back to eating a little more now that I was in maintenance   Well, honestly I went back to my “normal” eating and not using the knowledge I had learned about healthy eating.

Anyways, fast forward to now and I still snack and eat a lot of crap food.  Once I stepped on that scale, got tears in my eyes and went to take my dinner out of the oven.  I proceed to guiltily gulf down corn dogs and tater tots.  I felt gross.

I told my self that if I hit a number back in the 200’s I would do something about it.  Well first of all that’s stupid to say I’m not going to do anything until then, I should have just started regardless of the number.  Second of all, I didn’t do anything to stop eating crap.  I can just kick myself.  I know that I beat myself up and that it is not going to get me any where.  I just bring myself down.  Self sabotage is something I’m really good at, just like avoidance.

And there you have it, I feel that I have failed now that I have hit 202 pounds.  I can either whine about it or do something about it, but I’m not sure what point I’m at right now.

2.19.2013 - 202 pounds

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