Nonchalantly one night I decided to weigh myself. I know I was teetering near a scary number for me, but I did it anyways. Well, when I stepped on the scale and tears came to my eyes. It’s that hideous horrible terrible no good number that I said I wasn’t going to go back too. I didn’t expect it honestly. I thought I’d just stay the same as it has been lately, well that was the hope anyways. Obviously I’d like to lose weight, but I’m not trying therefore I knew there would be no weight loss, but it still hurt to see that number on the scale.
My highest weight was 249 pounds and on my own I lost weight and made it down to 219 pounds by exercising. Then I joined SlimGenics and ended up losing a lot of weight. My initial goal they set for me was to hit 170 pounds, I thought they were INSANE…. There was NO way I could lose 50 pounds in five months. Are you freaking kidding me? They guaranteed results if you followed the program. So, since I had already signed the contract not really knowing what I was getting into, I reluctantly agreed that would be my goal. Fast forward seven months and I had lost even more than my original goal. I lost 66 pounds making it to 153 pounds. I was so proud of myself.
For the life of me cannot figure where my motivation and dedication came from. I just did it and that was that. Well quickly my weight started increasing. They told me it would a little bit now that I was going back to eating a little more now that I was in maintenance Well, honestly I went back to my “normal” eating and not using the knowledge I had learned about healthy eating.
Anyways, fast forward to now and I still snack and eat a lot of crap food. Once I stepped on that scale, got tears in my eyes and went to take my dinner out of the oven. I proceed to guiltily gulf down corn dogs and tater tots. I felt gross.
I told my self that if I hit a number back in the 200’s I would do something about it. Well first of all that’s stupid to say I’m not going to do anything until then, I should have just started regardless of the number. Second of all, I didn’t do anything to stop eating crap. I can just kick myself. I know that I beat myself up and that it is not going to get me any where. I just bring myself down. Self sabotage is something I’m really good at, just like avoidance.
And there you have it, I feel that I have failed now that I have hit 202 pounds. I can either whine about it or do something about it, but I’m not sure what point I’m at right now.