So, what is going on with my life?
I’ve been overly stressed, cranky, depressed and unmotivated, therefore you have not seen a post from me in a while. It makes me feel bad that I don’t write when I have a blog and people (used) to read it and now I have nothing to say. I enjoyed blogging before, but lately I don’t really enjoy anything so when I am like that I don’t write.
I have this perception that my posts needs to be “inspiring” or “interesting” or something like that and if I can’t get any content out that fits my perception then I just don’t post anything. Otherwise I am too upset and try to numb out in other ways besides writing (because then I actually have to think about my problems, LOL).
A friend recently told me that I don’t have to write for anyone else or that it doesn’t have to meet an “expectation” that I have. I suppose this blog was a place for my weight loss for a long time and with me feeling like a big failure in that area I just assume I have nothing to say about that topic. Truth is, maybe I need to revisit what I want this blog to be. Figure out some goals and stick to them.
I feel that I’m failing in many areas of my life and I am breaking down and becoming someone who I wasn’t before. I don’t feel organized or on top of things anymore. My brain seems confused and can’t keep things straight. I have a hard time remembering simple things. I am not motivated. I don’t want challenges. I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore.
To be honest, I have a ton of amazing things in my life and I am appreciative of them, I just have a hard time enjoying them fully or showing my appreciation. I have an amazing healthy daughter, a supportive encouraging boyfriend, friends who stick by my side, family who loves me, a decent job, a roof over my head and food on the table. For some reason though I feel lost. Logically it seems that I “should” be happy. I want to be happy, but can’t seem to change what I don’t like. Seems like I have a lot of feelings, but I don’t express them well or do anything to improve the uncomfortable feelings – I just numb out. That isn’t healthy for me anymore.
That’s all I have….that was hard to actually come up with content that I could spit out into real words. I need to rethink my life. I need to figure out who I am again.