What is going on with me?

So, what is going on with my life?

I’ve been overly stressed, cranky, depressed and unmotivated, therefore you have not seen a post from me in a while.  It makes me feel bad that I don’t write when I have a blog and people (used) to read it and now I have nothing to say.  I enjoyed blogging before, but lately I don’t really enjoy anything so when I am like that I don’t write.

I have this perception that my posts needs to be “inspiring” or “interesting” or something like that and if I can’t get any content out that fits my perception then I just don’t post anything.  Otherwise I am too upset and try to numb out in other ways besides writing (because then I actually have to think about my problems, LOL).

A friend recently told me that I don’t have to write for anyone else or that it doesn’t have to meet an “expectation” that I have.  I suppose this blog was a place for my weight loss for a long time and with me feeling like a big failure in that area I just assume I have nothing to say about that topic.  Truth is, maybe I need to revisit what I want this blog to be.  Figure out some goals and stick to them.

I feel that I’m failing in many areas of my life and I am breaking down and becoming someone who I wasn’t before.  I don’t feel organized or on top of things anymore.  My brain seems confused and can’t keep things straight.  I have a hard time remembering simple things.  I am not motivated.  I don’t want challenges.  I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore.

To be honest, I have a ton of amazing things in my life and I am appreciative of them, I just have a hard time enjoying them fully or showing my appreciation.  I have an amazing healthy daughter, a supportive encouraging boyfriend, friends who stick by my side, family who loves me, a decent job, a roof over my head and food on the table.  For some reason though I feel lost.  Logically it seems that I “should” be happy.  I want to be happy, but can’t seem to change what I don’t like.  Seems like I have a lot of feelings, but I don’t express them well or do anything to improve the uncomfortable feelings – I just numb out.  That isn’t healthy for me anymore.

That’s all I have….that was hard to actually come up with content that I could spit out into real words.  I need to rethink my life.  I need to figure out who I am again.

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One Response to What is going on with me?

  1. Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry to hear you’re struggling like this, but I am glad to see you posting about it, because I do believe it helps.

    Unfortunately, I don’t have any grand words of encouragement right now, because this is EXACTLY how I was feeling just a short time ago. I know we’re not supposed to be defined by our weight, by a number on the scale, but that doesn’t mean we’re not.

    It wasn’t until recently that I realized to what extent that really affects me, in virtually EVERY area of my life. I wish I knew how to change it and accept myself for who I am and realize just how many wonderful people and things are around me, no matter what. I wish I could learn to just… be.

    But when I am unhappy with myself, uncomfortable in my own skin, I seem to see EVERYTHING through “fat glasses” and I’m just not happy. With anything. With anyone. With my life, period.

    I don’t know how to change it or to find this contentedness, no matter what. It alludes me, to this day. In the absence of hope in this area, there seems to be a dark cloud that falls over everything else. Sigh.

    I’m sorry I’m not more helpful, I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in feeling unhappy when logically and on paper, you shouldn’t be. You have always been one of the most encouraging people that I know and I’m so glad our paths crossed, even if only over the internet and from far away.

    I’m always just an instant message away if you need to talk or even just vent and cry.

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