It’s been about a month since I last posted, which is a very long time because yes I’ve wanted/needed to write, but it just isn’t coming so easily. Even now I’m very hesitant to write because that means I have to think of the things that are bothering me, put them into words and then they become more of a reality once they are typed.
In this past month I have been fairly content with my weight. I am/was learning to accept that this is just where I’m at right now and that’s just fine. I was feeling comfortable in my body by wearing the clothes that I knew fit me decently and not trying to fit into something that was a bit too small. I even decided to get rid of my size 10 pants because I don’t want them in my closet staring at me and me feeling bad about how I cannot fit into them anymore.
I haven’t been dieting or restricting of any kind lately either. I’ve been fluctuating a bit and have stayed within 5 pounds this past month, so without watching my food intake and not exercising I’d say that is decent. I’ve realized that not “dieting” or thinking about every bite of food I put in my mouth is very freeing. It’s helped my mind be at ease instead of constantly thinking/wondering/pondering/obsessing about what I should eat next, or when meal time is or what I should eat for a snack.
I’ve been getting many home cooked meals thanks to my amazing boyfriend who loves to cook and does a great job is. Only problem is that it’s not usually super “healthy” and my portions are a bit out of whack since it’s so tasty. At least I’m not shoving fast food in my body as much as before though. Although I still do eat a lot of sweets and often.
I’ve come to notice that I’ve gained about 15 pounds so far this year. That’s not good at all. I’ve also noticed that I feel incredibly fat right now. My tummy is rounder, I’m getting a pooch and my inner thighs seem so be growing together. I’m not fond of any of these realizations right now, however my weight hasn’t changed much recently, my pants still fit fine so I’m not sure if there really is a change or if I’m just becoming to hate my body again. I’m started to think about food, weight and dieting again and it’s already making me crazy.
I don’t want to be fat, I want to accept my body, I want to be healthy, I want to have energy to play with my daughter, I want to walk places without saying “that’s so far….ugh”. I say I want these things, but to achieve them I have to do something about them. Doing something about it will make me have to think about things, have a plan and take action. Just thinking about that makes me anxious and assuming that I’ll be obsessed with it all again and just fail like all the other times.
I’m not sure if it’s just a bad time right now or if any of this is truly valid. I don’t want negative thoughts about weight and dieting. Can’t I be normal?? Wait….what is normal anyways?