Yesterday, I cancelled the help I was about to get. Yes, you read that right.
No, I’m not about to give up on myself, but I do feel defeated. I have already done the initial assessment with the doctor and a physiologist at the eating disorder clinic; however I have made an educated decision to not continue with any further appointments at this time. There are a few reasons and some excuses that contributed to my decision.
First of all, after realizing how many appointments and how many different people they would like me to see I realized that the cost would add up quickly, even after insurance and that I CANNOT afford that. Even now I’m kicking myself for even doing the assessment and for “wasting” that money on the appointments I already had. Second of all, the time commitment that it would take to see all those people is more than I can handle with work and being a single mom. Those are my main points; however the other excuses I have are because I’m afraid to talk in-depth about the difficult things that are bothering me, I’m not sure that I can face this all right now and just not sure I’m in a good place to actually commit and make progress right now.
The only thing that I even remotely received out of these appoints was the fact that after reviewing the information they have diagnosed me with an eating disorder not otherwise specified. Basically that means I’m not anorexic and I’m not bulimic. Great now I have another diagnosed “issue” to add to my plate of messes, that doesn’t help me. If anything this whole process is making me feel worse. Not only have I learned that I have yet another issue, but I have now spent a hell of a lot of money on these first appointments to do NOTHING about it. Yep, I’m apparently good at wasting money without even planning on it (I just seen the amount of the claims submitted, hence the sudden change in mood). OH LOVELY. Yeah, I’m completely in a fail/negative mood now and I’m basically crying while sitting at my desk I work.
I have a great friend trying to convince me that the time/money for those first appointments weren’t a complete waste, but I’m totally blowing her off and fostering my negative mood. Last night I was trying to not feel so bad about this whole situation and she helped me to come to Wise Mind (DBT skills) about not doing the program and last night it worked temporarily. Here is what I came up with.
Now today after seeing the bills the Wise Mind part of me has slipped back into emotional self-hatred. Gosh, I’m so awesome right, HA! Well I need to find something to distract myself with so that I stop ruminating on this fact, but alas I have no projects to do at work so here I sit, alone with my negative thoughts.