I’m trying again, yes I said again. I have made an appointment with an eating disorder clinic for an initial assessment. I previously had done a phone screening and set up the assessment and something happened, either timing didn’t work out or insurance issues or just plain scared, but I cancelled that first appointment. So, today I called and scheduled it again. I will need another phone screening, but they said it should be brief since they already suggested that it would be beneficial for me to come in. I made the apt for 8 am on Friday, July 27th. I normally get off work at Noon that day so instead I just requested the whole day off so I can make sure to have the few hours it takes to do the appointment.
I’m scared to admit that I’m screwed up and that I have issues. OK, well that’s a given already that I have issues, but I’m scared to talk things out, make a plan and to work at improving things. I know it takes time and of course I want it all fixed immediately with moderate effort, which is SO not going to work.
I want to change my perception and attitude about food and exercise.
I’m scared to have to work at something and be held accountable to working on it. To have someone build a customized plan of action and to help walk me through everything will be great, but what if I get help, I lean on them then I go into the real world again on my own and fail? Kind of like when I did SlimGenics. I did very well, worked the program, lost the weight, had tons of support and then flopped after I was left on my own……
I don’t want to fail.
Nobody likes failing, but it’s one thing to tell yourself you’ll do something and fail without anyone knowing. Then there is committing to something in front of people, trying and still failing. Then I feel like people point and judge “See that girl there? She tried to lose weight/get healthy/exercise and failed. What a loser, she can’t commit to anything.”
What if I
get fatter gain weight?
What if I end up trying, focusing on the main issues and it turns out to be so much harder than I anticipate that I turn to food even more so than now and gain weight?
I can’t keep running away. I can’t keep asking ‘what if’ questions. I can’t just keep making excuses. I just need to try and see where it takes me. **Sigh**