7:59pm and waiting…..

It’s 7:59pm, and I am waiting.  Waiting for something that seems really dumb, but it is what I do.  I do it in secret, well it won’t be secret once I post this for the world to see, but that’s beside the point.

I wait for 8pm.


What does 8pm signify?  Well it’s the time, the time that usually no one is around, and I can eat.  I eat in secret.  I have cookies currently calling my name.

I feel that I can’t overeat in front of people.  I don’t want them to judge me.  I don’t want to look like I have a reason for gaining weight, but I do.

I don’t eat proper portions at meals.  I have too many snacks.  I eat later in the evening.  I don’t drink enough water.  I don’t get enough fruits or vegetables.

I know what I *SHOULD* do, but I can’t don’t.

My head screams at me to stop obsessing about food.  Stop cravings sweets so much.  Don’t grab that second helping.  Stop thinking your fat and do something about it.  However, my body doesn’t react to what my brain is screaming.  It’s eats that 8th cookie, it grabs a second candy bar, or second helping at dinner.

I don’t listen to myself.  I hate how I look.  I hate the eating habits I have.  I hate that I won’t exercise.  I overall suck at the eating/exercise portion of life.  I know it can be different.  It has been different at other points in my life, but I’m not sure how to get back to that.  I’m not sure how to get a different mindset.

I ate a cookie.

I am now thinking I should do Wii Zumba.  Then again I think “Meh, I only do about 18 minutes and I feel like I’m dying.  18 minutes is nothing, it’s not even worth anything, not even helpful, so why do it?”  I sabotage myself.

Can anyone else relate?  I’m sorry if I sound like I’m having one big pity party, probably because I am, but it’s my blog and I can write what I want.  I try not to be so negative all the time, but sometimes I just feel this way.  *Sigh*

Time to determine what I do the rest of the night.  I could avoid the rest of the cookies or any snacks in general since I am not hungry and I already had a snack (moderation is key).  I could do Zumba.  I could go to bed.  I could work on my Photo Book that I want to finish.  Hmm, what will I choose?

This entry was posted in Body Image, Food, My Life, Struggles and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to 7:59pm and waiting…..

  1. I desperately want to have something more helpful to say, but all I have is “I can SOOOOO relate.” Why do I keep doing exactly what I don’t want to do? 😦

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