Hmmmm

Well, I’ve had a terrible off-plan eating week.  Ever since I hit that 60-pound mark and “celebrating” with a DQ Blizzard, I’ve been thrown off.  I can’t seem to get back on track.  I keep sabotaging myself.  This is an ongoing problem with me and it just shows me that I have some work to do with my relationship with food.  I have a friend with an eating disorder, I understand her very well although I never really thought that I had an eating disorder and I wouldn’t necessarily say I do, however I have some tendencies that I dislike and would like to work on changing.

I feel embarrassed even admitting this, but I feel that I have to.  Lately, I have been bingeing.  I get a feeling that I don’t want to feel (example: frustration) and my immediate reaction is to eat some junk food that tastes delicious.  I realized that I’ve always done this, but it was without hesitation that I ate; however now I have a pause.  I am aware of the feeling, I realize I want to eat and now I can at least ask myself if eating is an effective way of solving my issue.  This is a good step.  It’s been really hard though to feel feelings.  I was so used to stuffing them away with food, but now I’m trying to work on these issues, which make them seem worse than before, however I am almost positive that they are not worse, it’s just that I’m aware of them now.

Anyways, my friend I mentioned, has a hard time with me talking about my “diet” so I don’t talk to her about it and today we got to discuss a little more than we typically do and it was a great talk in my opinion.  She said that if she looked as good as I do that everything would be fine.  I laughed, not laughing at her, but at the fact that I thought that very same thing.  “When I hit 199, I’ll be happy” ok, so I hit that and I still wasn’t happy.  So “170”, “160”……well I’ve come to realize that it’s not about the number on the scale or the size of clothing I wear, but how I feel inside and who I am.  It’s a lot harder than I imagined and it actually takes a lot of work to accept myself just the way I am.  I have to realize that I’m OK no matter how I am.  I need to love myself for the beautiful person I am and work on those things that I would like to improve.

So, I’ve been having an internal “war” lately.  My old value system is clashing with the new person I’m trying to become and love.  I have grown so much and have adjusted and learned what things are important to me, however they conflict with each other and sometimes I revert back to those old habits.  For example today I said I was going to get back on plan and that this is important to me to hit the goal I set for myself and to get back to eating the way that makes me feel good (since eating junk makes me feel icky).  Well, I leaped off that truck and ate a cookie.  OK, that’s no biggie, I can still have an OK eating day, but nooooooo……one more cookie, and another, another, another x8.  I was feeling sick to my stomach about the sixth cookie, yet I continued eating all the while my brain is screaming at me to stop.  My “old” self was used to just eating whatever it wanted and not thinking about it, while my “new” self is trying to eat better and in moderation.  They were at war and my old self won with the cookie battle.  HOWEVER, I’m trying really hard to use that as a learning experience and not as a beginning to a downward spiral.  I’m going to try again to stick to the plan tomorrow. I can promise that I’ll try, but no promises on what’s going to happen.

I am learning that this is all a process.  Two steps forward, one step backward, but I’m still moving forward and learning little by little.  I have to be proud of myself for that.  I also have to be proud of myself for being proud of myself since typically I’m SO hard on myself and judgmental.  I’m my own worst critic, but like I said, I’m learning to love myself more and more, despite some setbacks some days.

I started off feeling like I’ve failed, but after writing I feel much better and think that I am doing a great job…little by little!

I’m not sure who all reads this, but if you’ve gotten this far, then Thank You for sticking through my ups and downs with me.  I need support and just by writing things out I feel like it helps me.  Hopefully others can relate with my struggles and successes!!

Goodnight!

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