My weight is slowly getting lower (I say slowly, but that might not be accurate – depends who you ask). I’m down to 197.25 and in a size 14 pants. It felt GREAT to be wearing those new pants to work and they actually fit me (I took that picture at 198.5 pounds and have lost some since then). I felt like I looked really good. I’m really proud of myself and yet I’m not……
I’m having a hard time writing and expressing my feelings. This blog has taken me a few days and who knows if I’ll even finish it tonight. I just want to be numb and not think, but that’s part of the reason I got to be the weight I was. Now is a time for change, but I don’t have full confidence in myself. It’s like I’m split in half. One side of me is so proud, like a mother is of her child. On the other hand, I feel that I’ve achieved nothing. I have this very negative inner critic that is coming out in full force. This voice was at bay for awhile and now it’s back. Why does it not like that I’m succeeding? I had an ugly childhood, I hold a lot of feelings, I feel like I’ve dealt with most of them, but apparently not. It’s like you see in cartoons – an angel on one side and devil on the other. I have them both, but don’t we all? I want to be proud of myself, but that’s really hard for me. Seriously though, I’m down 22.25 pounds in just a little over one month. If someone told me that they had achieved that I would be thrilled for them, but I’m hard on myself. I could have done better, if I would have only planned more, what if I didn’t have that creamer in my coffee, what if I had went to workout more, what if…..
What if I never started this journey? Where might I end up? I was already depressed and unhealthy? This can be a time for growth for me. I can learn and deal with my feelings instead of eating or numbing myself. I can learn to be healthier for me, for my daughter, for my family. I’m not sure where the strength came from to begin SlimGenics, it just sort of happened one day that I made a decision that something was going to change. I was going to do something, and I DID! I’m amazed at myself for committing to this, following through and pushing through some of the hard times. I will admit that I’ve been through some rough times in my life and I’ve only become stronger in the end. This will be another one of those times!
I’m really happy to be on this journey. I feel that I’m right where I need to be at this exact moment. I’m making changes, big hard changes, but I’m doing it. I’m pushing through. I will be ok!