Today was day 3 and it was also the hardest day. Let’s start at the beginning. I was very motivated this morning thinking that I can totally do this. I was telling everyone about what I have decided to do and was proud of it. I have been anxious for the past 3 days because this is all new to me and a giant commitment. Work was fine today and I ate everything I was supposed to today and followed the plan. All was fine until I had a meeting at SlimGenics this evening to discuss the plan and what my future eating habits hold. Lets state a happy fact before I go into other details. So, day 3 and I’m down 5 (YES, FIVE) pounds! Yippeeee, that feels great. Overall now my goal is only 45 more to go, which is feeling like it’s possible. 5 pounds and I’m feeling great about it despite some other feelings that are mixed in with that great feeling. But I’ll take it!
Well I had to bring my daughter to the meeting because I had no other option but to bring her with. That in itself was tough because well she’s a toddler and is hard to keep confined and quiet for any amount of time. So first of all I felt bad for distracting the others in the class that she kept talking or making a fuss. Second of all I had a hard time concentrating because I was trying to keep her occupied. Anyways we made it through meeting and I was trying to make a decision at the end of the meeting whether to make some bulk purchases to save some money and I lost it. No, it wasn’t just that one thing that broke me, but all of it combined. This is a giant financial investment for someone who is limited in that area and a giant commitment to myself about doing this thing to the end and not quitting in the middle. I went to ask a question and I burst out crying. I couldn’t make a decision, I was too overwhelmed. The manager took me into a room and I tried to talk, but was overcome with emotion. I decided to not make any decisions this evening and to just buy product as I go without any discount because it was all too much for me at this moment. So, we left. My girl kept asking if I was sad or why I was crying. She was super sweet and I was trying not to scare her, but I just sobbed the whole way home and almost hyperventilated. I was actually being very gentle on myself and not beating myself up with my inner critic. I was trying to calm myself down and encourage myself knowing that yes, this journey is going to be HARD, but I’m willing to continue trying and get through this. I just keep thinking of how great I will feel hitting my goal and being at a healthy weight. I can do this – a little at a time! I keep thinking of all the things that I have to give up in this weight loss phase of the program. There is a meal plan that I need to follow and some foods that I can’t have. I will have to give up some things I’m used to eating, however is it worth it to me? Why do I NEED those foods? I don’t is the answer. I can learn to eat smaller portions and to pick healthier options. I’m so happy that they (SlimGenics counselors) will be there to support me. I am supposed to check in at the office 3 times a week at least, that in itself will help me because I obviously can’t do this on my own. They will be there to support me and my boyfriend and family are being super supportive of my decision. I am so thankful for this. I need to keep pushing forward know that this IS HARD, however I’ve overcome many hard things only to become a stronger and better person and this will be another one of those examples. I talked to my boyfriend on the phone and cried to him. Then I felt like I still needed someone to lean on so I called my mom. Normally I never call anyone, I just deal with my pain in harmful (alone) ways, however this time was different. I reached out, that is a major accomplishment for me. My mom was in bed however she was willing to talk to me, I felt bad, but talked anyways. It felt good to know that she supports me 100%. On top of all this my teeth hurt – I’m getting braces next week and had to get spacers in today. So it was hard to eat the food on my plan because it wasn’t anything soft, but I made it.
I will continue to make it.