Day 3:

Today was day 3 and it was also the hardest day.  Let’s start at the beginning.  I was very motivated this morning thinking that I can totally do this.  I was telling everyone about what I have decided to do and was proud of it.  I have been anxious for the past 3 days because this is all new to me and a giant commitment.  Work was fine today and I ate everything I was supposed to today and followed the plan.  All was fine until I had a meeting at SlimGenics this evening to discuss the plan and what my future eating habits hold.  Lets state a happy fact before I go into other details.  So, day 3 and I’m down 5 (YES, FIVE) pounds!  Yippeeee, that feels great.  Overall now my goal is only 45 more to go, which is feeling like it’s possible.  5 pounds and I’m feeling great about it despite some other feelings that are mixed in with that great feeling.  But I’ll take it!

Well I had to bring my daughter to the meeting because I had no other option but to bring her with.  That in itself was tough because well she’s a toddler and is hard to keep confined and quiet for any amount of time.  So first of all I felt bad for distracting the others in the class that she kept talking or making a fuss.  Second of all I had a hard time concentrating because I was trying to keep her occupied.  Anyways we made it through meeting and I was trying to make a decision at the end of the meeting whether to make some bulk purchases to save some money and I lost it.  No, it wasn’t just that one thing that broke me, but all of it combined.  This is a giant financial investment for someone who is limited in that area and a giant commitment to myself about doing this thing to the end and not quitting in the middle.  I went to ask a question and I burst out crying.  I couldn’t make a decision, I was too overwhelmed.  The manager took me into a room and I tried to talk, but was overcome with emotion.  I decided to not make any decisions this evening and to just buy product as I go without any discount because it was all too much for me at this moment.  So, we left.  My girl kept asking if I was sad or why I was crying.  She was super sweet and I was trying not to scare her, but I just sobbed the whole way home and almost hyperventilated.  I was actually being very gentle on myself and not beating myself up with my inner critic.  I was trying to calm myself down and encourage myself knowing that yes, this journey is going to be HARD, but I’m willing to continue trying and get through this.  I just keep thinking of how great I will feel hitting my goal and being at a healthy weight.  I can do this – a little at a time!  I keep thinking of all the things that I have to give up in this weight loss phase of the program.  There is a meal plan that I need to follow and some foods that I can’t have.  I will have to give up some things I’m used to eating, however is it worth it to me?  Why do I NEED those foods?  I don’t is the answer.  I can learn to eat smaller portions and to pick healthier options.  I’m so happy that they (SlimGenics counselors) will be there to support me.  I am supposed to check in at the office 3 times a week at least, that in itself will help me because I obviously can’t do this on my own.  They will be there to support me and my boyfriend and family are being super supportive of my decision.  I am so thankful for this.  I need to keep pushing forward know that this IS HARD, however I’ve overcome many hard things only to become a stronger and better person and this will be another one of those examples.  I talked to my boyfriend on the phone and cried to him.  Then I felt like I still needed someone to lean on so I called my mom.  Normally I never call anyone, I just deal with my pain in harmful (alone) ways, however this time was different.  I reached out, that is a major accomplishment for me.  My mom was in bed however she was willing to talk to me, I felt bad, but talked anyways.  It felt good to know that she supports me 100%.  On top of all this my teeth hurt – I’m getting braces next week and had to get spacers in today.  So it was hard to eat the food on my plan because it wasn’t anything soft, but I made it.

I will continue to make it.

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